I Miss Mortigan the Lock

Tonight in raid several things (which will be explained in the Stupid Awards) happened that made me really miss Mortigan the Lock's posts. For those of you who remember him you will appreciate this and those of you who don't definately need to read this.

In Mortigan's words, with full credit to him, here it is:


WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 21, 2009
How to raid ANYTHING. By Mortigan the Lock.

I find it terribly hard to remember all the nuances of each boss fight. Sorry, but I'm just not hard-core enough to memorize who casts what, and I really don't care if Pixie McNixie in the bottom of some hole is planning to fear me, sheep me, or chop me in half with a big heavy axe. Why? Because overall things are pretty much the same from one boss to the next, so I figured I could come up with a single set of rules on how to raid ANYTHING. I've appropriately named these rules "A Single Set of Rules on How to Raid ANYTHING."

Getting Ready:

Many people go to YouTube and watch Tankspot videos to familiarize themselves with the fights. This is a waste of time, because all you really need are my simple rules. Not 100% sure? Here are some additional reasons for skipping the videos:

1. Those people in the videos are ELITE WIZARDS and your raid team is not going to do anywhere near as well as them. It's like watching an Olympic gold medalist do the ski jump and then trying it yourself. Forget about it.

2. There are less steps to preparing your taxes than there are to fights like Freya. Watching Tankspot explain it on YouTube will only give you a headache. Your guild is going to wipe on it anyway, so no need to give yourself a migraine. Skip the video and use my rules below!

Let's Raid!

Ok, so here is my Single Set Of Rules On How To Raid ANYTHING:

1. DO NOT stand in anything that wasn't there before the fight started, if it visually looks dangerous. This includes fire, black steaming circles of nastiness, green slimy stuff, purple ooze, etc. If you are not sure, stand in it for a second and see if your health goes down. If it does, MOVE.

2. DEFINITELY DO stand in anything that wasn't there before the fight started, if it visually looks beneficial. This includes pleasant rays of fairy moonlight, air with lightning bug / glittery things in it, shiny sparkly spots on the floor, or anything else that a 3 year old girl might want to color. If you are not sure, stand in it for a second. If nothing bad happens, definitely keep standing it because it MUST be doing something good.

3. Do the following based on your function:

Tank: Attack the boss with everything you got. Keep doing this and don't stop until your healer drags you away screaming at you, "STOP! STOP! HE'S DEAD ALREADY!"

Heal: Keep healing until everyone is either dead and blaming you, or the boss is dead. In the latter case, it is your job to drag the tank away from the bloody corpse.

DPS: Do the same as the tank, but wait a fraction of a second before doing so. This way, if you get aggro, you can blame the Tank. Otherwise, he will blame you. That fraction of a second makes all the difference on who gets blamed for the wipe. Use it wisely. Now this next part is important: If adds arrive, you need to make a visual check of how dangerous they look. If they look like they can be ignored, stay on the boss. If they look really nasty, switch to the add. Simple! Or you can always fall back on the "watch what everyone else is doing and copy them" strategy, but I'm training you to be a trailblazer, so get in there and blaze that trail!

Off Tank: You're on the adds. Someday, if you ever become cool enough or geared enough, the guild might let you be a REAL tank. But probably not anytime soon. So stick to adds. And if you run like a madman all over the map with a trail of adds behind you, creating a hellish conga-line of death, all the DPSers are going to HATE YOU. So keep your butt in one spot, take your beating, and suck it up.

4. DO NOT stand in a Boss' AOE. The crap raining down on your head should be an obvious sign that it's time to pack up and move.

5. Should a boss fight require you to operate some sort of vehicle, land mount, or drake, randomly mash buttons as fast as the cool-downs allow. Generally, Button 1 is the biggie one to mash, so mash it more than the others. No one's really going to notice if you did well or not, so just mash, mash, mash! You're a pro!

6. If you get aggro, run TOWARD your teammates, not away from them. It's the surest way to get rid of that unwanted boss who's taken serious notice of you. Ideally, run toward (and right through) a mage. Mages are a big, big help with getting rid of aggro. If you're cool enough to be a warlock like me, you can even strategically position yourself right next to a mage throughout the fight, and Soulshatter as needed. Be sure to turn toward the mage when Soulshattering, so that you can watch the look on his face when the boss 1-shots him. If you're a mage, disregard everything I've just said, and take one for the team.

7. The laws of the universe that govern comic books, video games, and science fiction in general require that twins ALWAYS have some sort of symbiotic relationship, and a special power will CERTAINLY exist between them. Therefore, any time there are twin bosses (or even twin adds if they're extremely dangerous looking), they MUST be killed simultaneously. Very bad things happen when one twin witnesses the death of the other. Heed my warning, and kill any and all twins at the same time. Further, they cannot be allowed to touch each other or send each other any kind of glowing orb, ray beam, soothing rainbow, etc. You don't want the wonder-twins activating ANYTHING. So keep them apart, kill them apart, and do it at the same time.

If you follow these simple rules, you're sure to be a success at your next raid. I advise you to print this out and keep it handy. Review it during the boring buff periods before raiding, or when the tank if off in Dalaran begging for another healer. And be sure to stop back by and let me know how it went! Happy raiding!
Your buddy,

Mortigan the Lock